"...He is SO ready to give."

My Trin is 4. 4 is a special age, there is a lot of make-believe and dresses and necklaces and laughter. Lately she has been making up her own knock-knock jokes and laughs hilariously at the punchline.

She is my "baby", my youngest child and she LOVES that position. When I want to mess with her I ask her how she would feel if we had another baby, if she became a big sister instead of the baby? Her reaction is a clear and loud, "No". Haha :)

We were outside the other day, she was playing in the yard, wearing her heels, and I was sitting on the patio. There is a downward slope to our yard and I'm not sure what she tripped over, but she fell in a grassless area under a large bush. When she fell, to add insult to injury, the earth's gravity pulled her face down even further than normal because of the slope.

I saw it happen and knew she was okay. No blood, no scrapes, really just her pride was hurt. She got up from the ground and with her arms stuck to her sides, she staggered over to me. From her face-down fall, she had dirt and tiny yellow flowers stuck to her face. She even had some dirt in her mouth. She didn't bother to reach up and brush it off or try to fix her situation at all, she just came straight to me.

As I cleaned her up and comfort her, I thought, THIS is what God wants. *When* (not if) we fall, let's not waste time or energy trying to brush the dirt off, clean ourselves up, dig the dirt out of our mouth -- let's get straight to God and let Him take care of us. Dirt and weeds and flowers stuck to our face and all.

Hebrews 4:14-16 MSG Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.

Update

Hi. I have not updated this blog since 2011. Since then we have:

*moved twice
*went through a foreclosure
*had our vehicle repossessed
*nearly declared bankruptcy, but chose to do the hard thing and pay off debt
*oh, and I severely injured my knee

That's the bad stuff :) But there has been LOTS of good stuff, too. Why is it so much easier to list the bad??

*my marriage has grown stronger
*my love for my God has grown deeper and wider
*my friendships have grown sweeter
*my kids are growing up into sweet, smart, amazing, beautiful young women
*I *know* who I am and Whose I am more than ever

I read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (pretty much) every morning. I love the voice she used to write it and well, since she says it was the voice of God speaking to her, that makes sense. I never read it without being affected in a good way by it.

Today's entry had the word "decimate" in it and that struck me so hard. It even made me go to the dictionary to look up the true meaning.

dec - i - mate -- verb -- "kill, destroy, or remove a large part of."

It said that the Light of Jesus "decimates the darkness". That is a powerful image because we all know how oppressive, frightful and overwhelming darkness is. It seems so strong. But it's not stronger than Him.

I've seen darkness. I've experienced "dark nights of the soul" and dark physical nights in which I thought dawn would never come. Things are always easier to handle when it's light out, I think.

God's Light decimating the darkness has been a comforting thought for me all day. When I think about the darkness that wants to devour people I love, and me as well, I will remember what I read.

"...and His life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it." John 1:4-5

Letter To My Father, My God & Myself

I said I was going to go to bed early tonight...but that's just not going to happen :) This MUST come out. This one is for me, but if you're reading, feel free to join me.

I have needed a father, a dad, a daddy this week. Usually I manage just fine. I'm a grown woman with three children of my own. I've got a good life, a good husband and a great God. But, this week, the world seemed especially big and bad. I felt the need to run for protection, to be covered by someone, but who is it???

The hole that is still in my heart due to the absence of my dad (Will it ever go away? I want it to and I pray for it to often.) seemed absolutely cavernous this week. I was picked on by a bully and was afraid.

The first person I cried out to was God. And, I know He is always with me. But, sometimes, do you ever just need someone to hold you? Someone who's bigger and stronger than you? I pray all the time, "Jesus, just let me feel your arms around me."

So, around the same time the bully situation happened, I had gone to the store for my annual ritual called "find the most loving yet generic Father's Day card ever created". It's a stretch, to say the least. Too mushy would be a lie that we both recognize. A funny one? No, there's never been humor exchanged between us. I have to find the one (and there's always JUST one) that walks the precarious line of stating "You are my father, this is Father's Day, so have a good day."

That wound was already open. BUT THEN...

The proverbial "salt" was poured in when yet another young woman who has an unsatisfactory dad has claimed mine for her own; so much as to pour out her heartfelt feelings for him on Facebook (truth be told, my dad's not even "on" Facebook, he doesn't even know how to text). Yes, we all have known the pain of reading something on Facebook that we wish we had never, ever seen...

This girl is young and I count her as innocent. I forgive her because she knew not what she was doing, I am sure. But, that hurt is still there, ringing in my ears, crushing my heart, preoccupying my thoughts.

So, I am left alone, just me and my Heavenly Father's presence, ever so heavy and strong in this room. This is where the rubber of faith meets the road of life. How do I do this? How do I believe that God is enough? That He loves me more than my earthly father ever wanted to or is capable of? That He cares about this? That He caught the numerous tears that have slid down my cheeks today?

I keep repeating what I know of God to myself. He will never leave me. Be still and know that He is God. He works all thing together for my good.

Somehow, I sense that this is about so much more than the relationship that I want but have come to terms with never having with my dad.

NEWSFLASH: I think I made my dad an "idol"!

In trying to reconcile, forgive, admit my own mistakes...I think over the years I thought of my dad as a gift that I thought for sure God would finally give me. I think I missed that GOD is the gift I get. Period.

I want to say goodbye to all of that. Because that will never, ever satisfy me. Only God can fill what is indeed a God-shaped cavern in my heart. I'm going to keep asking Him to do that for me, because my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I simply do not know how to do it, to snap my fingers and poof, God's enough for me. But, it is my prayer that when this day comes around next year, instead of mourning what I don't have or what was stolen from me, I can rejoice in what was bestowed upon me by Jesus.

P.S. My dad's not on the internet, either, so yeah, he'll also never see this. So, I guess this is really just a letter to God.

What My Life Looks Like

I have three daughters, ages 5 (going on 16), 2 1/2 (who acts EXACTLY her age) and 1 1/2. These girls are my everything and have changed everything about my life. This is what my life looks like:

*I've found Hope putting $100 prescription eye drops in her baby-doll's eyes.

*If I am looking for my favorite bracelet, the first place I look is their toy box.

*If it is quiet too long in my house, I head to the bathroom where I have found an entire roll of toilet paper unrolled, Hope applying my mascara to herself, Trinity getting into the bag of guards for Steve's electric hair clippers, Hope using the entire dispenser of soap to wash her hands with bubbles overflowing from the sink, etc.

*I estimate that I could feed our entire military with the food that I have found in our couch cushions, under furniture, in our van and just plain wasted by being thrown on the floor. Entire box of crackers and bags of pretzels are vacuumed up on a weekly basis.

*Going to the grocery store with these three inspires complete strangers to give me looks of empathy, offer me their cart, offer to take my cart back, help me with my girls' coats and other nice things. These people usually offer up the information that THEY had three little ones who are either teenagers now or are grown. I thank God for them! I confess that I have asked complete strangers to hold my baby while I use the bathroom -- and they have complied, only too happy to hold a baby :)

*Some people in public say some not-so-nice things as well. This brings out the lioness mama in me and we won't talk about those instances :)

*Steve and I have forgotten what the inside of a semi-nice restaurant looks like. Friday's? Smoky Bones? Now, the best we can manage is Bob Evans or Chick-Fil-A :)

My life is one that I never imagined for myself and never actually wanted -- because I didn't think I COULD ever have it or deserved it. Raising these girls is refining me. In particular, staying at home, trying to make it as a one-income, one-vehicle family has taught me to be more efficient and not take things for granted the way I used to.

Sometimes, I will admit, this life is very, very difficult. There are many days that I cry. My refuge is the downstairs bathroom where I go in, lock the door and turn on the exhaust fan so I can cry out to God to help me. Many days I am frustrated, exhausted and worn-out. I make mistakes, it seems, in every hour of the day.

I can see that my life, these girls, have been a way for God to draw me closer to Him. I have a lot to be thankful for, even on days when everything has gone wrong and no one has behaved (including me).

Each time I go into my girls' room at night to pray over them, I am speechless at the beautiful gifts God has bestowed on me. I don't deserve them, even today. I see the difference in my girls' life compare to my own childhood -- God has performed a Great Reversal, as the Message version of the bible puts it. I am thankful beyond what my words can say.

God who made you has something to say to you;
the God who formed you in the womb wants to help you.
"I will pour water on the thirsty ground
and send streams coursing through the parched earth.
I will pour my Spirit into your descendants
and my blessing on your children.
They shall sprout like grass on the prairie,
like willows alongside creeks.
This one will say, 'I am God's,'
and another will go by the name Jacob;
That one will write on his hand 'God's property'—
and be proud to be called Israel."~Isaiah 44 MSG

Spoiled, Bratty and Faithful

I don't know how to say this without sounding bratty, so I'll get on with it: God takes care of me. I have a good life, a really good life with Him, because of Him. I've grown accustomed to having, as His child, His favor. My prayers are (for the most part) answered. My life is relatively easy. Things are "handed" to me, things that other people have such a struggle for. I'm not saying my life is perfect, because it isn't, but it's very good.

Jesus is my savior, He is the only reason I am not messed up to the Nth degree. I have a normal life only due to Him, I've certainly done nothing to deserve it.

Last night my poor baby Trin was just miserable. I was up with her all night. She was in pain due to cutting teeth. I gave her Tylenol. I prayed for her. I gave her a bottle. I rocked her. I sang to her. I bounced her. I prayed more. I gave her a snack. I held her and tried to sleep sitting up. I cried out to God, in anguish because of her anguish.

"What the heck? Where are you, God?????" I felt as though my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling. He was, in my estimation, doing NOTHING. I couldn't understand why He wasn't helping my poor child who is just a baby and was in such pain. Why wasn't He helping me? Or at least letting me know He was there?

We were up until 6am. No sleep. When Steve came downstairs getting ready to go to work, I asked him to stay home. How could I care for three children on no sleep? He did that for me, took Trinity in his arms, and I trudged upstairs to our bed. As I fell asleep, I was so hurt. Why had God seemingly not cared for what I had been through?

After I woke up, I layed in bed for a while praying and asking Him what in the world had happened. I ran it through my mind what I believe:

Hebrews 13:5 ...because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Matthew 28:20 Jesus speaking: I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the very close and consummation of the age.

I was left shaking my head. I got dressed and went out to the van to go to class. As I started the van, a CD came on that I had gotten at the library the night before. I hadn't turned off the radio, so it started up right away. This song, which I have never heard before, began to play:

Faithful by Brooke Fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

Of course, that song spoke to me and I felt the love of God. I thought about my experience all day. I thought about how, like a spoiled child, I have grown accustomed to having my way. I pray for a parking spot because I have to lug three children into the grocery and...there it is. I pray for my children to be made well and...they are. I pray for others, too, and many prayers are answered. These are little things in the grand scheme of things, of course, but to me they are paramount.

So, what is God trying to show me? Was it a test of my faith? Praying last night was certainly not easy; it was frustrating and difficult. I wanted to give up but didn't. I was stretched.

God did heal Trinity, just not as quickly as I wanted Him to. The minute I put her into Steve's arms and went to bed, it was over. He didn't have to give her more Tylenol. She didn't fuss and cry, she went to sleep, too. When I got back from my class, she was smiling and playing. "What was that?!?!"

I realize now that I do act like a spoiled child. I do not "deserve" the things I normally get, so perhaps I should change my attitude about all of that. I need to remember that God is God and I am not. He knows best, even when I can't understand what He's doing, or not doing.

And as I wait for Him, maybe I'm made more faithful...

Leaves

Last winter and spring, there were times I would be thinking about God and a leaf would appear. At a point in the year when the leaves should have all been blown away, encased in ice and snow or just have disintegrated, it caught my attention.

In March, one of my friends had a birthday celebration at a park. We were talking and all of the sudden a leaf blew by us. She said, "Wow, that's random, who would have thought a leaf would still be hanging around." Yeah, random :)

I was sitting outside, enjoying the nice weather we're having. It's the end of October and no coat is required! I was looking at the piles of leaves on the ground, admiring the colors and thinking about how beautiful creation is. A leaf hit me on my hand and I smiled.

Recompense

Every so often God gives us a gift that only we can truly comprehend the significance of.

Like many others, my past is full of shattered dreams and hurts. As believers in Jesus, we are told that we will receive "double for our trouble":

"Instead of your former shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach your people shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double what they had forfeited; everlasting joy shall be theirs. ~Isaiah 61:7

rec·om·pense 

noun

compensation, as for an injury, wrong, etc.: to make recompense for the loss one's carelessness has caused.

It has been utterly beautiful to see God take something ugly and horrible and bring something wonderful from it. He has indeed repaid me more than double -- and really, did he have to repay me at all?!?!

I recently had the opportunity to show love to the person who has been "responsible" in my eyes for much of the hurt in my life. To be able to forgive, and not forget, but to reach out to this person and truly express love....no words. It wasn't saying, "I love you." It was saying, "Yes, you did wrong, but you also did some things right." It was saying, "God loves you, even though..." It was verbally taking them by the hand and leading them back down the path to love and light.

Me, doing this? It seems unthinkable and unlikely that it ever would have happened. But, God.

I am convinced that we are charged with the mission of being light-bearers. Once we have been brought into the light, having been shown forgiveness and love, we must show others the way as well.

Jesus makes his mission known in Luke 4 when he quotes Isaiah 61:

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

When we forgive and choose to love (love as a verb) someone, don't we do these things? We "preach good news". We "set the prisoners free". We "release the oppressed" and "recover sight for the blind". Not only do we set the other person free, we are set free as well.

How exciting this is to think about. These opportunities sound romantic and wonderful but walking them out is quite difficult. "Loving" my neighbors who are mean to guests who come to my home. "Loving" one of Faith's classmates and their parent when said classmate is making my daughter cry at school.

I take comfort in that God meets us in these things and even goes before us. Forgiveness, as I have heard it said, is not actually for the other person -- it is for ourselves, our peace of mind and joy of heart.