Unexpected Answers

If people in general have one question for God, it has to be, "Why?" In my own life, what I have wanted to know from God is not why things happened, but where was He when they did. Over the past several years, I have grappled with where God was when certain things happened in my life, specifically during my childhood and teen years. I diligently seeked answers, but received none.

I've thought many times about how different my life could have been. I have ranted to God, "Really? You couldn't find one person in a thousand generations before me that honored You?" In my eyes, my life was not blessed, as He promises to bless the descendants of those who love Him.

But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands. ~Deuteronomy 5

In bible studies when I filled out my family tree and how each of those people affected my spiritual life, I was just in tears. All I had to fill in were things like alcoholism, adultery, abuse, abandonment, or just plain leave them blank because I didn't know the answer.

I had almost come to terms with accepting that I would never know when I started to get some answers. But, they have come in ways I didn't expect.

Recently I have had memories surface of my paternal grandmother, Emma. I last saw her when I was 11 years old. She was the wife of a coal-miner, a tall, strong woman who had been dealt her own fair share of pain. When I came to her spot in those family trees, I always put her on the positive side. The memories I did have of her involved her talking about Jesus. I remember her telling me that if I was scared at night that I could sleep with my bible, which she gave me, underneath my pillow. I've taken her suggestion a few times over the years. Other than those memories, my recollection of her has been vague.

One night after I had prayed for my daughters, I was walking out of their room when a memory suddenly hit me. I could see my grandmother praying with her eyes closed. She was speaking in a whisper very quickly, taking breaths and then praying some more. She was praying for me. The memory took me by surprise and it brings tears to my eyes even now as I write this. When someone prays for you, it means they care, and I have always believed that no one back then really cared.

Today I was praying for Hope's "boo-boos", which any toddler is obsessed with. She'll point to every bruise or scrape that is just about gone and ask me to pray for it. As I was doing this, another memory of my grandmother came to me. She was doing the exact same thing for me. Just like Hope, to me it was a game. I can see her placing her hand on my foot and praying for it, thanking Jesus, lifting her hand and smiling at me.

I have no idea why I haven't remembered these things before. It has been so comforting to me and completely overwhelming. I know that my grandma's prayers were heard.

Although I was not spared from certain things, I believe that God did preserve and protect me. I really should have suffered so much more because of my own choices. Rather than showing me where He was in the times of pain, He has chosen to show me where He was in the aftermath. I see it so clearly. I am so thankful.

"Lost and insecure, You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd You have to wait? Where were You? Where were You?
Just a little late, You found me, You found me"

-You Found Me, The Fray

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. ~Isaiah 55

Hope, who will be 2 years old in October, has already discovered a 2 year old's favorite word: "No". Anytime I ask her a question or give her any direction, it's her first response: "No". She says "no" to things that, in reality, she wants to say "yes" to. Sometimes she corrects herself and says a quick "yes" and other times it's just always "NO".

Why do I do the same thing with God? When I hear Him say, "Don't say that." When I hear Him say, "You should stop judging them." When I hear Him say, "You need to forgive them." When I hear Him say, "You should reach out to them."

I rarely say "no" aloud to God (although I have done it), but that's my attitude so often. If obedience is doing what you're told the first time around, then I am definitely not obedient.

"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" -Jesus (Luke 6:46)

Good question. I think it's because I temporarily forget who I am a thousand times a day. I want to be a woman who remembers who I am - the daughter of the King, redeemed, beloved and transformed. I want to remember that God has only the best intentions for me, so anything He would have me to do is not only right, it is nothing but beneficial to me.

"If you love me, you will obey what I command." -Jesus (John 14:15)

Love is the reason we correct our children. It's why we tell them not to do things that are dangerous or will cause them trouble later. The same goes for our heavenly Father, only He's perfect in all of his commandments, whereas I get things wrong on a daily basis.

My prayer is that I will not only hear Him when He speaks to me but that my first response will, instead of "no", be "YES!"