I don't know how to say this without sounding bratty, so I'll get on with it: God takes care of me. I have a good life, a really good life with Him, because of Him. I've grown accustomed to having, as His child, His favor. My prayers are (for the most part) answered. My life is relatively easy. Things are "handed" to me, things that other people have such a struggle for. I'm not saying my life is perfect, because it isn't, but it's very good.
Jesus is my savior, He is the only reason I am not messed up to the Nth degree. I have a normal life only due to Him, I've certainly done nothing to deserve it.
Last night my poor baby Trin was just miserable. I was up with her all night. She was in pain due to cutting teeth. I gave her Tylenol. I prayed for her. I gave her a bottle. I rocked her. I sang to her. I bounced her. I prayed more. I gave her a snack. I held her and tried to sleep sitting up. I cried out to God, in anguish because of her anguish.
"What the heck? Where are you, God?????" I felt as though my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling. He was, in my estimation, doing NOTHING. I couldn't understand why He wasn't helping my poor child who is just a baby and was in such pain. Why wasn't He helping me? Or at least letting me know He was there?
We were up until 6am. No sleep. When Steve came downstairs getting ready to go to work, I asked him to stay home. How could I care for three children on no sleep? He did that for me, took Trinity in his arms, and I trudged upstairs to our bed. As I fell asleep, I was so hurt. Why had God seemingly not cared for what I had been through?
After I woke up, I layed in bed for a while praying and asking Him what in the world had happened. I ran it through my mind what I believe:
Hebrews 13:5 ...because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Matthew 28:20 Jesus speaking: I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion), to the very close and consummation of the age.
I was left shaking my head. I got dressed and went out to the van to go to class. As I started the van, a CD came on that I had gotten at the library the night before. I hadn't turned off the radio, so it started up right away. This song, which I have never heard before, began to play:
Faithful by Brooke Fraser
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for
[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
Of course, that song spoke to me and I felt the love of God. I thought about my experience all day. I thought about how, like a spoiled child, I have grown accustomed to having my way. I pray for a parking spot because I have to lug three children into the grocery and...there it is. I pray for my children to be made well and...they are. I pray for others, too, and many prayers are answered. These are little things in the grand scheme of things, of course, but to me they are paramount.
So, what is God trying to show me? Was it a test of my faith? Praying last night was certainly not easy; it was frustrating and difficult. I wanted to give up but didn't. I was stretched.
God did heal Trinity, just not as quickly as I wanted Him to. The minute I put her into Steve's arms and went to bed, it was over. He didn't have to give her more Tylenol. She didn't fuss and cry, she went to sleep, too. When I got back from my class, she was smiling and playing. "What was that?!?!"
I realize now that I do act like a spoiled child. I do not "deserve" the things I normally get, so perhaps I should change my attitude about all of that. I need to remember that God is God and I am not. He knows best, even when I can't understand what He's doing, or not doing.
And as I wait for Him, maybe I'm made more faithful...
