I said I was going to go to bed early tonight...but that's just not going to happen :) This MUST come out. This one is for me, but if you're reading, feel free to join me.
I have needed a father, a dad, a daddy this week. Usually I manage just fine. I'm a grown woman with three children of my own. I've got a good life, a good husband and a great God. But, this week, the world seemed especially big and bad. I felt the need to run for protection, to be covered by someone, but who is it???
The hole that is still in my heart due to the absence of my dad (Will it ever go away? I want it to and I pray for it to often.) seemed absolutely cavernous this week. I was picked on by a bully and was afraid.
The first person I cried out to was God. And, I know He is always with me. But, sometimes, do you ever just need someone to hold you? Someone who's bigger and stronger than you? I pray all the time, "Jesus, just let me feel your arms around me."
So, around the same time the bully situation happened, I had gone to the store for my annual ritual called "find the most loving yet generic Father's Day card ever created". It's a stretch, to say the least. Too mushy would be a lie that we both recognize. A funny one? No, there's never been humor exchanged between us. I have to find the one (and there's always JUST one) that walks the precarious line of stating "You are my father, this is Father's Day, so have a good day."
That wound was already open. BUT THEN...
The proverbial "salt" was poured in when yet another young woman who has an unsatisfactory dad has claimed mine for her own; so much as to pour out her heartfelt feelings for him on Facebook (truth be told, my dad's not even "on" Facebook, he doesn't even know how to text). Yes, we all have known the pain of reading something on Facebook that we wish we had never, ever seen...
This girl is young and I count her as innocent. I forgive her because she knew not what she was doing, I am sure. But, that hurt is still there, ringing in my ears, crushing my heart, preoccupying my thoughts.
So, I am left alone, just me and my Heavenly Father's presence, ever so heavy and strong in this room. This is where the rubber of faith meets the road of life. How do I do this? How do I believe that God is enough? That He loves me more than my earthly father ever wanted to or is capable of? That He cares about this? That He caught the numerous tears that have slid down my cheeks today?
I keep repeating what I know of God to myself. He will never leave me. Be still and know that He is God. He works all thing together for my good.
Somehow, I sense that this is about so much more than the relationship that I want but have come to terms with never having with my dad.
NEWSFLASH: I think I made my dad an "idol"!
In trying to reconcile, forgive, admit my own mistakes...I think over the years I thought of my dad as a gift that I thought for sure God would finally give me. I think I missed that GOD is the gift I get. Period.
I want to say goodbye to all of that. Because that will never, ever satisfy me. Only God can fill what is indeed a God-shaped cavern in my heart. I'm going to keep asking Him to do that for me, because my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I simply do not know how to do it, to snap my fingers and poof, God's enough for me. But, it is my prayer that when this day comes around next year, instead of mourning what I don't have or what was stolen from me, I can rejoice in what was bestowed upon me by Jesus.
P.S. My dad's not on the internet, either, so yeah, he'll also never see this. So, I guess this is really just a letter to God.
